and i should think so.

let's hope it's a cellophane dream this time.

ehehehehgdgshdgshdghGSHGEHGEHDGEHDGhhshdgshdg!!!

:)

don't even let me start.

let it go, oh yeah sure, let it go.

but wait, hmmm, let's see. $ borrowed despite the f&t episode, and i bet that tattoo was probably one of your supposed art materials and your 126516237671361325365635 bullcrap leftovers i had to hear.

jokes. not that i'm being anal about $ but i mean, come on. i had a valid reason to why i needed it back. and doesn't it make perfect sense that i shouldn't care about your problems when you never gave 2 fucks about mine? least you could do for yourself is to stop being a fucking jackass all the time man.

what is going on.

detox i need a detox i need.

woohoo!


sophia.

i think i'm starting to be at ease.

i think. :)

yet it's a fire, a fire i cannot put out.

why do you seriously still hate me.

is that even a valid question to ask me? no, i'm not regretting everything that happened. don't you dare "that's why" me as though you are intelligent enough to understand everything that happened, or wait let's start small, to even understand me!

so you see, what the fuck is my problem you ask.

i think you're full of bullcrap, that's my fucking problem.

i desperately need you to question yourself. when you wake up, when you're brushing your teeth, when you're taking a dump, when you're about to sleep, think and ask yourself over and over. just question yourself, doesn't matter what you're asking yourself though, i just need you to question yourself so that you can probably use that as a way to test-run your emotional capacity. to ensure that you probably might just come to a realisation that you're fine and dandy, which most likely, not- because you have the emotional capacity of an animal. yikes, yes, i said that, an animal. i'm very much apologetic for my crude mannerisms, i'm serious. but honey, at this point of time, it digusts me to see how almost everyone around you relishes the very fact that you're this ultra coolio but little do they know that you're full of the bull-est crap, ever.

my god, i'm so fucking tired ranting on and on and on and on and fucking on about you, but tell me what the hell am i supposed to do? i'm just repulsed. ranting keeps me sane, fucking fucking sane. my god it's almost the end of february, do you realise what i have to put up with. eugh.

how did we get here, i used to know you so well.

decode.

yes i haven't got the time to catch the movie though i have a dvd of it lying around my house. but thanks to the radio and nurul, this is one hell of a kick ass song.

how can i decide what's right
when you're clouding up my mind?
i can't win your losing fight
all the time.

nor can i ever own what's mine
when you're always taking sides
but you won't take away my pride.
no, not this time.
not this time.

how did we get here?
well, i used to know you so well.
but how did we get here?
well, i think i know.

the truth is hiding in your eyes
and it's hanging on your tongue.
just boiling in my blood.
but you think that i can't see
what kind of man that you are,if you're a man at all.
well, i will figure this one out
on my own.(i'm screaming, "i love you so.")
on my own.(my thoughts you can't decode)

how did we get here?
well, i used to know you so well, yeah.
but how did we get here?
well, i think i know.

do you see what we've done?
we've gone and made such fools
of ourselves.
do you see what we've done?
we've gone and made such fools
of ourselves.

yeah. yeah.

how did we get here?
well, i used to know you so well, yeah, yeah.
how did we get here?
well, i used to know you so well.
i think i know.
i think i know.

there is something i see in you.
it might kill me.
i want it to be true.

-paramore

with that, it's unfair that you actually do have people who love and care for you. and what you took out of me wasn't enough, right, it wasn't enough. hah. i hate you and i regret it all, or maybe that's what i'm telling myself in return for some form of comfort. so you see, there really is no hate no regrets, at all. sigh. ah, too taxing to be feeling like crap half the time, what more, because of you?- i don't think so.

hello new monday.

i wouldn't think anybody would need my 10 cents worth of bullcrap here. not like i want people to read though, and funny how that defeats the entire purpose of having a blog, maybe?

ah nevermind that. today is new, new is today. :) except for the strange fact that being 20 turning 21 doesn't seem that bad after all. i mean here i am freaking out about turning 21. but imagine being like 35 or wait being half of 30. that's just strange, like seriously strange.

sometimes i wonder why i have the ability to go round and round in circles, endless, never ending like fucking seriously never fucking ending. i guess maybe because it's my therapy. my way of sorting my head out. to say my piece. and yes, you see it wouldn't end me with anything. you realising you're a bastard or me calling you a bastard every fucking day because you see, everything ended me up with nothing. hah. the only valid reason to why i'm so fucking caught up in this strange state of hate still is because, after messing me up, you laugh at me, you gloat, you smile and walk on alongside the sayings of a nonchalant person. so nonchalant, one, such as myself, can never imagine that to be actually humanly possible. but i suppose, many a times, life can never be fair. many things do not have a proper justification or a proper reason. you just suck it in.

and funny how that even without any means to hate you, it seems like i am flooding myself with all this hatred and anger uncontrollably. boy, doesn't it sound horrible.

but look, i never wanted to be treated like an object. and eventhough on the outside i look like i'm a tough cookie, i am only human and it does not give you the right to purposely fail to ignore the fact that i do, actually have feelings.

i was never an object and i am not an object, i was malvina, i am malvina and forever will be, malvina.

i wish i could run, run so fucking fast and far away that during that process, i will somehow, manage to forget everything because it is just too painful to remember. too fucking painful.

i should probably hit the sack. night.

and yes, i ask again, "why me, so painful."

neurotic.

i don't know though. i'm glad i'm slowly drying up. even a sappy story which reminded me about it didn't really kill me. i'm surprised i managed to have some form of composure.

monday, monday, monday. yikes. but YAAAAAY!

then again, i think i'm still unable to use the words forgive and forget, yet. and i wonder why i go through the constant panic attacks with regards to anything related to it because to be honest, it sickens me, that i'm feeling this way because of some bastard who has the balls of a motherfucker.

goodnight. eugh, sigh.

exhausted.

so they told me that i probably put in too much effort and as a result, i managed to lose myself during the course of doing that. hence, i need to get myself back.

and i agree, i do need a detox.

to my various sources of sanity, thank you. hugg.

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