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21 January 2007

2:14 AM

sinking deep.

i think a lot. too much in fact. i believe everyone has thoughts of their own, people think all the time and that is certainly not an overstatement. people think when they sleep, and i always felt that was fascinating.

well, sometimes, my thoughts they travel so far. so far that i feel as though my soul or maybe my thoughts to play it down a little, would wander off to no man's land. such thoughts startle me. sometimes, i wish i am not much of a thinker. you know, i doubt if you would understand what i mean because so far, the people i spoke to about this, they just pretend to understand when in reality, they don't.

often enough, whenever i'm alone, i tend to get into deep thought and pay closer attention to things which once seemed minute. this might be atypical to some, but let me tell you, this is just the beginning of my train of thoughts.

people walk by, i look at street lights. i observe them, so much so that i think about their lives and how it would be like to be like them. i think about their family, their friends, their jobs, their way of life. i get into their character even though i have no clue about how they're like, i imagine how they're like. and my thoughts will enter scenes of me being part of their family, living in their home as maybe their daughter?

my life. am i really here? am i really malvina? am i really feeling what i am feeling? every movement, every thought, every sound, everything else to do with my five senses, are they just nonexistent? when i look into the mirror, is that really who i am? you know, when i think about this, i can travel to somewhere i do not even know, it's bizarre. i feel as though my mind might blow up any minute, or maybe my mind, body and soul might vanish and malvina would have just left without a trace. it sounds ludicrous, but i think about this all the time, all the time.

dreams. sometimes, i wish i could just runaway from my life now, leave on a jet plane or even leave on a bike to some small town like providence and start my life afresh there. with the ability to live on the amount of money i have without difficulties and even be an artist there.

worries. i am a worry-freak. i am filled up to the brim with paranoia. it's like a disease. i worry about the littlest things too much, that it can be absurd. i think too much about things that it forms into a worrying factor. till my life seems like a melancholic hovel. it's stupid but i cannot stop it.

i enter this zone whenever i think. it's somewhere nobody enters. i'm all alone when i enter it. it is no comfort zone, it is outrageous. my thoughts depict an infinite space. i cannot stop myself, it's a zone i need to enter.